I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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