I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
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