oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
