My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize