the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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