i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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