I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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