Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
