I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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