I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
