Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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