guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
