Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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