There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
