So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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