You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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