just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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