Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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