Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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