Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Sorry about my life...
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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