I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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