Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
