im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
