I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
