You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
