My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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