I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
