i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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