So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
