I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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