Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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