FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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