i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
