How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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