If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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