if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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