Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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