That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
