Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
