why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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