You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
