Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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