I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
