M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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