Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
