Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
