Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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