Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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