i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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