I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
