I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.