nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
