hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I AM VODKA MAN
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
