Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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