Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Randomize
