whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
