god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
