Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
