Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
