You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
